My Story - Steve Smallwood
My story begins in the suburbs of Central New Jersey in a Methodist church. My parents started going to church when I was young, and that dictated alot to me while I was growing up. Both of my parents are very educated, and I have the utmost love and respect for them still to this day. I always went to church and never really questioned The Good Book, and even when I saw pastors and people in authority misuse their power, I still kept believing and not questioning. We went from a Methodist church, then to a Baptist church for 2 years when I was in Junior High, and then I started going to a Christian and Missionary Alliance Church. The church we went to was run like a business, and the whole principal is that in order to get into heaven, you need to share your faith with others. I never felt comfortable with that because I never liked trying to convince people to believe the same things I did. It made me feel like a salesman, not a spiritual person.
On the opposite side, I was very drawn by the desire to help others. I was always drawn by the story of the good samaritan, where a total stranger would help an adversary not for their own benefit, but because it was what God had wanted. For all the ridiculous hypocrites I met, I also met a small handful of people who’s lives were truly lived with the conviction that if they believed in God, then they should live it. These people, though all different, all exhibited some of the same qualities. It was because of these people that I made the decision to be a pastor. At least that’s what I thought I wanted.
Once I started attending bible college, first in Georgia and later in New York, I realized a few things. First off, I had no real focus to study the Bible in depth, and as a result, my biblical studies grades were atrocious. I also figured out that I would make a lousy pastor. The person I had become by the time I was 25 was years apart from the person I was at 18. After graduation and some time in the workforce, my mentor and one of my pastors invited me to California with him to help with a church plant. I liked California upon visiting, and decided a change from The Garden State would be nice. I’ve since left that church, which isn’t doing much at all currently.
So what brings me to agnosticism and borderline atheism? I’ll tell you. I started questioning things. I stopped believing the myth that God would always be there for me. Rotten things happen to everyone. That’s inevitable. It’s human nature. We all have the capacity for good and evil. Belief that we were created by some higher being stopped making sense to me. Science started making more sense. I got tired of feeling guilty by my alleged “sins”. I had fallen hostage to a dogmatic set of beliefs brought to me from others, but they were just ideas that can’t be proven. I don’t want faith without proof. I don’t believe that Jesus was crucified for my sins. I think Jesus was murdered unjustly by corrupt people who wanted to hold onto their power. Jesus’ life, not his death, were the true meaning of Christianity. However, Jesus wasn’t the only one to preach this message.
All in all, I’ve seen the good side of religion and the bad side. I’ve been feeling as of late that religion is outdated and that we can do better. I don’t want to have my life dictated by words in just one book that’s supposed to be holy, but was still written by normal men. I’ve let go of my guilt and embraced more logic than I have before. And I have to tell you…it feels great. And the best part? I can still give a damn about my neighbor without feeling any guilty about coercing them into what I believe.
Discussion
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Steve…..great reading your story. I am glad to see you are a “freethinker” and were not brainwashed into this s@@t! You are a good person without being religious. Good luck to you! I wish there were more people like you in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thanks, Rachel. It was tough coming to grips with the fact that for all my life, I had considered myself a Christian, and then all of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t. That didn’t last too long, though. The great thing is that my parents both always encouraged both me and my sister to think for ourselves and make up our own minds on things. I know they’re having a hard time with the choices I’ve made as far as my beliefs go, but they also realize that it’s up to me, and not them. I really admire them for that ability, and it’s because of them that I turned out okay. Which has really made me a strong believer in the power of a family. I was reading your story also, and you’ve gone through some real hard stuff. But the beauty is that you can break those habits and thoughts with your own children. That is the real saving grace that we all have – to learn from experiences and teach others.
Steve – I haven’t yet put together my de-conversation story to share, but I read yours and saw that you attended a C&MA church in New Jersey so I felt compelled to comment. I grew up Catholic, but spent all of my real Christian life at a C&MA church (20+ years). Lots of what you describe in why you left sounds very similar to my issues. SO much of the bible just doesn’t make sense; it was obviously written by and for people of that era. Completely irrelevant for today, given the advances that science has shown us over the centuries. I really think that people who continue to claim the bible as the word of God just have not looked at it critically. It says right in there that God is not the author of inconsistency or chaos, but if we look critically at the bible – using the brain that he gave us – it is very inconsistent and chaotic! It just seems to me like today’s church exists to perpetuate itself; it’s a business just like so may other businesses. All this said, I’m still having a very difficult time telling my friends and family about my radical change of heart. It’s a lonely place, so it’s good to have virtual places like this to affirm my thoughts and feelings. All the best to you on your journey!
Hi, Julie. First off, thank you for taking the time to read my story and comment. It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that you no longer believe in something you had for your entire life. At first it honestly felt like a part of me had died. Religion, in all its forms, had always been such an evident part of my life for so long, and to finally acknowledge that I not only didn’t believe, but leaned on the side of what was always preached against, was a little off setting. However, I also realzie that so much of my letting go had built up over the years, and I really had stopped believing for a while. I just didn’t want to come to terms and be honest about it. I would go through small agnostic bouts, and some people would just say “what else is new”. The bible does have alot of inconsistencies, and it’s frustrating when people cling so tightly to them and refuse to think outside those lines. One of the great reliefs I’ve come across is meeting people who don’t take strict interpretaions of scripture, and realize that some things the bible teaches were meant for certain people, and other things can be dismissed. One of the big things was actually hearing people who are educated and Christian say that Christ did not die for our sins, but rather because he was speaking and living a message of love and peace and posed a threat to political officials. I find that alot more realistic and palatable than the resurrection guilt trip we grew up with.
As far as my family goes, I still have a hard time talking with my parents. I know they’re set in their beliefs, and that they’re disappointed with my views on religion. Fortunately, I have other friends who are going through the same thing, including one who’s a conservative pastor’s son. It’s very hard to admit something like what you’re going through, especially to loved ones. You’re not the only one, so don’t get discouraged. There are other’s who are like minded, and I know my ears are always opened. So welcome to the club!