My Story - John Dill
I was a small town pastors kid, and I have become an atheist humanist. My Christian family and friends don’t understand. What went wrong with me when my mind changed? If you are religious, some of the arguments I make will seem ridiculous to you. At some point in your perspective, my logic breaks down. You may become frustrated and think something like “Satan lied to him” or “He chose to believe in man’s wisdom over God’s.” Statements like that are frequent and natural but serve merely as excuses not to examine my rational progression. If you actually want to understand me, look at that which seems ludicrous. Focus on why those things seem so backward to you and try to imagine what I might have honestly gone through to come to those strange conclusions. How would an otherwise intelligent person fall into these obviously incorrect assumptions?
If I take this same advice and take on a Christian perspective, I am transported back to when I was living the Christian life, thoroughly familiar with the apologetics. I had the same zealous faith that Christians have within the modern Pentecostal branch of the church tree. I was a student of the Bible. I felt the warmth sweep over me at the altar so many times. I prayed in earnest to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, and after some experimentation and a relinquishment of ego, I began to speak in tongues. Attaining glossolalia was a valued confirmation of my Christian advancement. While on the Christian path, I desperately wished to progress to a level of faith and submission to God that I imagined might look something like a robed monk, who had little attachment to this physical world and could get by without excess in food, lust or possessions. My projected future-self was very much Christ-like, with a gentle humility mixed with a deep rage for the evil of this world. In wondering how I might become this ideal, I knew I had to first earn a profound understanding of the fundamentals of my belief. The resolution of those basic questions that came to mind as a young believer were so important that I just could not put them aside with the intention to fill in the blanks later on in my journey. “How are we so sure about all this?”
“If I was born into the standard local religion of a foreign culture and immersed into a similarly relevant system of apologetics, could I really be damned due to poor placement?”
“Why would an omniscient God need to set up humanity for failure?”
“How did the people before Jesus achieve salvation?”
“How can God be jealous?”
“Does the corrupt physical mind really get to choose the eternal fate of the soul?”
“Shouldn’t the answers to these questions be simple?”
My honest doubts were not unique, I knew. Others around me in praise services appeared to me convincing in their complete rapture, but I knew they were at least part-acting. I tried some of the time to put on the character of confidence during collective worship. It felt grossly dishonest, and I was turned off by the stylistic expression of the extreme charisma I observed in the Assemblies of God and similar churches. Why was this outward expression so important when we weren’t focusing our energy on the foundation of theology? In order to concentrate on the tenets of faith apart from the distasteful, impassioned acting, I occasionally visited more somber services that exhibited respectful reflection.
Whether I was attending one of those “dead churches” or the rock and roll services of my youth, I stayed critically aware of the beliefs that pivot a soul to or from damnation. Those are the things that matter. How can one simply choose to believe in his heart that Jesus is God? How can I really decide to believe something so important without a very good reason? Belief in the promises of God would have to wait until I could first believe in the authority from which I heard them. The big promise of gaining eternal life was only a layer in the background that I could hope to uncover once I had worked out the oddly blurry puzzle in front of me. If this truth we share is so readily apparent, freely given, why can’t I make clear sense of the first step? If everyone on earth is given at least one chance to hear and accept The Good News, does my hearing it retold several times a week throughout my life make me even more damned for not really getting it? Isn’t it true that I am one of the luckiest of souls since I have been graciously dropped right into the family of a pastor who actually teaches others this truth that happens to be the one and only universal truth in a sea of lies? What are the odds? Did I dare to test God and ask him to show Himself to me to clarify my doubt? With a fervent determination, I sought that my personal relationship with the Creator would be thorough. I faced my questions bravely. There would be no accepting half-answers to this – the ultimate decision – like “It is probably right” or “Just to be safe” or “People whom I trust have accepted it”.
I really wanted Christianity to work, and I gave it my heart. How many more years would I be required to wait for decent responses to my inquiries? If my faith was not strengthened by Christian fellowship or the teachings of great preachers or reading and re-reading the Bible or late nights of earnest prayer, should I look to outside perspectives? Could something in the secular world satisfy my need for understanding? Since I already knew The Gospel, would God appear to me more clearly through His creation?
It is the observation of the natural world without the bias assumed by religion which resulted in my conscious letting go of faith. Skepticism is my new virtue. I found answers. I haven’t found all of them, but my rational method satisfies me. Now that I look back, I think I would have stayed a Christian if my circumstances had not forced me to consider the weight of the choice. If it were not stressed with such eternal importance, I might have casually considered it a nice social club.
Further related posts:
http://notetoself.net/2010/03/04/so-what-prompted-the-change-to-atheism/
http://notetoself.net/2010/03/05/reflecting-on-my-dad-the-minister/
Discussion
Loading comment form...
Thanks for sharing!!
I asked a lot of those questions too.
It takes courage to even consider some questions that the
dogma would never allow you to even think to ask.
A well-written and thoughtful reflection on the struggle between belief and truth. I was raised A/G (in the Portland, OR area) and asked myself so many questions, even as a young child. I wanted to ask adults these questions, but just the idea of asking was frowned upon, of course. However, in the first minutes of my very first day of youth group, I asked the youth pastor, “How do we know that the A/G is the correct religion?” After the shock wore off and he was able to respond, needless to say, the answer was insufficient to override my skepticism. LOL
Thanks for sharing.
Hey Mark, which church did you attend around Portland? My dad was a pastor in Sheridan, Or, and we visited the Portland A/G churches often. Maybe we have met. ; )
John, I have been scouring the internet to what has seemed inwardly to me a laughably foolish quest. Chiefly, looking for ANY clue that will help me with what I’ve been wrestling internally with for what seems like an eternity.
I’ll be sixty years old soon.
The internet, being what it is, full of trolls and opinionated nit wits, seemed to me a really idiotic move on my part to search for answers. But I’m getting no where by any other means. Talking to people has led to nothing but conflict and outrage.
You just can’t talk honestly with ANYONE who are so immersed in their beliefs (illogically so), and expect any sort of constructive, helpful exchange, much, much less insight.
They are motivated by a whole other set of internal mechanisms and none of them have anything to do with the application of common sense and intelligent thought.
I need answers, and I need them from someone who has shared my “religious” experiences and background to some degree. I desperately need to exchange emails with you on this subject. I really need help. A public forum isn’t where I would like to discuss these things.
I’m hesitant to post my email address. If you make a post responding to me, then perhaps we can come up with a method of exchanging email addresses. I truly need to talk to someone who’s been in my shoes. I’ve noticed there’s been no activity on this site for quite some time. Perhaps I’m going down another dead end. You never know until you try.