My Story - Why I Am A Recovering Fundamentalist
My name is Drew Stedman. I am a recovering fundamentalist. I am a pastor’s son and I was raised as a conservative evangelical Christian in The Christian and Missionary Alliance. I was taught to respect the authority of the Bible as the inspired word of God. As a child, I prayed with my mother to accept Jesus as my personal savior. Throughout my childhood I must have prayed the sinner’s prayer over 100 times. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn’t know Jesus that I prayed to accept him into my heart every time I was given the opportunity in Sunday school or in church, just to make sure. I went through evangelical children’s programs such as AWANA and Vacation Bible School. Later I was part of a Bible quizzing program in which my church’s team would compete against other churches teams over our knowledge of the scriptures. We would study the Bible constantly, often memorizing lengthy passages or even entire books.
Later, I attended Worthington Christian High School, an extremely right wing evangelical school run by Grace Brethren Church in Worthington, Ohio. It was here where I really became fanatical about God. I attended a revival at a youth summer camp that was similar to, but somewhat less extreme than the camp featured in the documentary, Jesus Camp. I had finally “experienced” God for myself. I returned to school my sophomore year “on fire” for God. I read through the entire Bible word for word as quickly as I could, often skipping class to do so. I started a Bible Study and prayer group in my home that was called “The Love Club”. I would prepare bible studies and teachings with the help of my Father. We would pray earnestly for the requests and concerns of the group. We sang worship songs. I became the worship leader for our high school chapels, which often featured messages of fear that would inspire guilt. We were warned of the evils of masturbation and pre-marital sex. We were shown graphic images of sexually transmitted diseases. The message was clear. This was what happened when you stepped outside of God’s will.
One day, we were led into a revival. We were told that some of us were not true Christians. That we needed to search our hearts to make sure we truly believed in Jesus. Many students, who were emotionally broken by the message, came forward in front of the entire student body and confessed their sins and prayed to God. They cried. I cried. We praised God. We were told that even though we were Christians, many of us had let sin creep into our lives. We were asked to give up our possessions that were holding us back from God. Many of the students felt “led” to go to their cars or lockers to get their “secular” CDs to give up to God. Many of us made commitments to listen to only Christian music. Classes were cancelled. The revival lasted all day.
In addition to this spiritual indoctrination, I was also indoctrinated academically and politically. Prayer and references to scripture were commonplace, even in subjects like math, and especially science. We were presented with a strict Young Earth Creationist model in our science courses. We were taught “evidence” that the Earth was only several thousand years old, that God created every class of animal uniquely, that dinosaurs co-existed with humans, and that the flood of Noah was a literal historical event. In history class we were taught a strictly right-wing Christian view of the formation of America. We were taught that America was founded as a Christian nation and that evil forces were hard at work trying to turn America away from our God. I believed them.
After high school I attended Cedarville University, a fundamentalist Baptist school in the middle-of-nowhere, Ohio. It was here that I first began to question my faith. Although I had taken such care in fostering my relationship with God in High School and had made many strong efforts to proclaim my faith and evangelize others, I still felt guilty. In spite of my efforts and prayers to have the desire to do what God wanted me to do, I still behaved more or less like a typical college student. Sex, alcohol, cigarettes, soft drugs… Why was this? My heart was in the right place. I wanted to follow God, I prayed earnestly and often for the will to do so, but I consistently partook of the forbidden fruits which I was told by the Christian authority figures in my life were contrary to God’s will. At this point my faith changed internally. It no longer made sense why God would condemn so many well-meaning people, over what increasingly seemed to be trivial issues. I remember a key moment at this point in my life when I was in a Bible class that was espousing a strict Calvinist interpretation of the Bible. We were discussing the doctrine of Total Depravity, which is that all humans, because of Adam and Eve’s original sin are born into this world inherently evil and in a state of separation from God. I was troubled by the implications of this. I raised my hand and asked the professor if a child born in a distant country, into a culture who had no knowledge of Jesus Christ would be sent to hell if it were to die before missionaries had been able to tell them about Jesus. The answer to this question was yes. I could not accept this.
I began to form my own opinions about the Bible. It seemed to me that Jesus would have been radically opposed to this type of thinking (although now it seems obvious to me that Jesus becomes whoever the believer wants him to be). I became very enamored with Christ’s teachings of compassion, and what I interpreted in his teachings as non-violence. I became increasingly disgusted by the violent desires I saw prevalent in evangelical culture. Cedarville University has a large rock which students can spray paint with different messages, usually “Happy Birthday” wishes and the like. But in 2003, just before the US invaded Iraq, someone had spray-painted the rock with “Bomb Saddam”. In my newfound liberal Christianity I took offense to this. I spray-painted over it with “Blessed are the peacemakers” from Matthew 5:9. In less than a half hour it was painted over with “Go troops, go! Kill! Kill! Kill!” This became a turning point in my life, a moment when I internally rejected evangelical fundamentalism as politically and morally toxic.
Although I had experienced an ideological shift, I still felt comfortable in the Christian community because it was all I had ever known. I left Cedarville for Nyack College in New York, which was another fundamentalist college, although it featured a more relaxed environment. I coasted along, slowly realizing that I was disconnecting with the evangelical belief system on an almost daily basis. By the time I graduated I had essentially stopped going to church and was doing my best to lead a normal life. I reconnected with a fellow classmate from Worthington Christian High School whom I quickly fell in love with. Along with some of my good college friends, we moved to Los Angeles. A year later, we were married.
I had started a new life and a new career, but many of my underlying assumptions about God and Christianity remained unquestioned. My wife and I missed the community of Church and decided to find one that fit our new, non-fundamentalist values. This proved somewhat difficult. LGBT rights were something that we were just coming around on and it seemed that almost every church we went to held official positions against homosexuality. After some searching we finally came across a church that reflected our values. It was encouraging to me to see people who held different beliefs working together to better their community and spread a message of love an acceptance. I became involved with the worship team and eventually became an elder, delivering meditations and occasionally sermons when the pastor was out of town. There were several other young people and couples in the church that had come from similar backgrounds to our own and were seeking a more open, accepting environment. We started a young adult group in our home. Because almost all of us had come from fundamentalist backgrounds, we were all interested in exploring new aspects of faith and belief that had previously been cut off from us during our upbringing. It was obvious at this point that most of us had our doubts about the interpretation of the Bible we were indoctrinated with as children. We began to read a book called The Sins of Scripture by John Shelby Spong, an Episcopal Bishop. For most of us, this book decimated our previous conceptions of Biblical inerrancy, or even divine inspiration. It dealt honestly with the immorality of many of the actions attributed to God in the Bible. I had never heard someone speak so clearly in condemning aspects of Christianity that I had always felt uncomfortable with.
Spong also openly accepted evolution, which gave me pause. Although I had come so far in my journey, I was still a creationist. God had created everything right? I reflected back to a conversation I had had at work when the topic had come up several months prior. Someone was making fun of the fact that so many people believe the earth is only a few thousand years old. This bothered me, so I repeated an argument I had heard as a child from Answers in Genesis. As I recall, it was something about the Grand Canyon being created by a great flood. My co-worker, who explained some basic science about rock formation and stratification, quickly corrected me. This was information I had never been exposed to. I felt stupid. And here was a bishop openly accepting this as well? What else had I been missing?
I became obsessed. I poured over as much information about science as I could get my hands on. As a product of Christian education, I realized that many things I was taught in school did not check out with reality. I began a period of enlightenment in my life where I exposed myself to as much new information as possible. As the last remnants of my fundamentalist indoctrination began to crumble around me it became obvious that much of the other world’s religions depended on the same type of reasoning. Faith, it finally became apparent, was not a source of knowledge but a mechanism for belief in the absence of knowledge. I had discovered reason. I shared many of these ideas with the group. We explored more books, including How We Believe by Michael Shermer, which is a careful, rational examination of the psychology of belief. It was a book that shook my assumptions to their core.
My view of faith and God had fundamentally shifted. I suspected I knew where this would lead me but I wanted to evaluate some further arguments before I could be sure. I picked up a book called The Language of God by Francis Collins and contrasted it with The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Both men are formidable scientists in the field of biology. Both promote modern science and evolution. But they differ radically on the issues of God and religion. I wanted to hear who had the best arguments and if anyone could defend God against atheism, who better than a top-notch scientist? Needless to say, although I rather enjoyed both books, The God Delusion was one of the most powerfully argued books I have ever read. Francis Collins’s arguments in favor of a God seemed almost laughable in comparison (although I really appreciate what he is attempting to do by educating Christians with science).
After years of slowly becoming more and more aware of myself, and the universe around me, and after long and careful consideration, I admitted to myself that I was an atheist. I felt as if a terrible and heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I was free. Free of the yolk of superstition, magical thinking, and dependence upon authority for information. I was free to explore the world around me without the barriers I used to place upon it by faith. I was free to ask any questions I wished without a nagging fear of where they would lead. But most of all I was free to define myself on my own terms.
My close friend and colleague Rob Steiner and I decided to create this website for people like us. People who have escaped from the mental clutches of fundamentalism. If that is you, you are free to define yourself however you wish. Don’t let others do it for you. This is not intended to be an atheist website. It is a website for human beings. If you have left or are in the process of leaving a fundamentalist belief system, we hope you will find this site helpful. Also, if you feel comfortable, please take the time to share your story. There are many out there who may benefit from your experience. We would love to know where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going. You are not alone.
Discussion
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Hello Drew,
I like the look and feel of this site a lot. I’m not a fundy, but I would best describe myself now as a evangelical universalist.
Thanks for your story – near the end saying you are an elder, yet your current belief is agnostic – part of me said “cool” buy the other part said “huh?” How do you do that?
Take Care
Jerry
I’ve recently updated this story. Perhaps now it will make a little more sense.
Thanks. Have you read about Bohoeffer’s religionless Christianity from his letters and papers from prison? That’s about where I am at now.
Very excited to have found this site. I just started a Meetup Group for Former Fundies in Minneapolis/St.Paul. I would be interested in knowing more about how it works to host meetings in your home – how you originally came in contact with others, etc.
My background is not as straight -jacketed as yours, but close. I did not become an atheist (that would be going just as far to the left as your church is to the right), but I certainly have some agnosticism floating around in here!!
I have been through a serious of churches, mostly just from moves, or church closures, or things like that. I finally ended up at a High Church Episcopalian parish, and can honestly say that about 15 minutes into the mass, I knew without a doubt this was where I would stay. As for your explorations with Bishop Spong? God bless Bishop Spong!
Why is atheism “to the left”, Steve? Wouldn’t atheism, by definition, be exactly in the middle?
it takes a lot of guts to post this sort of thing. The hardest part for me in leaving christianity behind is the way my family feels they need to pray for me to come back to the fold because i am backsliding and under Satan’s spell or whatever. They are genuinely great people and I just feel so sorry for them.
Dave,
Yes. Family tensions can be the hardest. I feel much the same way myself. I love them and they are kind to me. Its best to take that and go from there!
Hi Drew,
Thank you SO much for talking about your C&MA experiences in this post. I have rarely come across anyone else who could (or would) corroborate the crazy. So much of what you wrote is deeply familiar, like praying the sinner’s prayer a gazillion times. For me the catalyst was a beheading scene in one of those rapture films (“A Thief in the Night”?) at Beulah Beach.
By the time I was 14, I was angry, which was not allowed. Overnight I was a pariah — too secular, backslidden and not “on fire for God”. To make matters worse, I defied the pastor and peeked around to see who raised their hands during the epic altar calls:
“Let’s sing the first verse of Just As I Am.”
“Again.”
“Now just the ladies…”
Now that’s comedy gold. And I’m grateful for it.
Unfortunately, growing up C&MA warped my ideas about God completely and despite my best attempts, this has never been resolved. Today, I call myself a deist but I miss the part of me that believed nothing could separate me from the love of God.
tl;dr – also a refugee from Ohio, the C&MA and fundamentalism
I used to go to fundie camp at Beulah Beach!
I also used to go to Beulah Beach! What a small world huh? Well congratulations on finding freedom from that and thank YOU for reading and participating on the site! If you haven’t yet, and you feel comfortable, we would love to hear more of your story on the “Share your story” feature!
Hi Drew
Found your site through a Facebook link. I’m an atheist and have been since I was 20 ish. I used to call myself agnostic until my Dad ‘turned’ into a Jehovah’s Witness after meeting and then eventually marrying one.
I guess we all love and respect our parents, but I simply couldn’t ‘take his word for it’ that the literal translation (and some of the most immoral interpretations I’ve heard!) of the Bible were true. I made it my aim to read as much as I could about Christianity and other faiths and came to the simple conclusion that they can’t all be right, but they absolutely *can* all be wrong.
Skip 10 ish years of the odd argument and discussion with believers and ‘boom’ 9/11 – followed a few years later by a chance purchase of the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, and I am now classed by the religious as a ‘militant atheist/secularist’ – the ironies of that ‘insult’ are (trying not to be condescending!) laughable
Your story is amazing – the guts and willpower you must have shown to now call yourself an atheist is highly commendable, especially since you’re in the US and not the UK where I am..
Keep up the good work Drew
Lee,
Wow, thank you for the kind words and support! I plan on doing as much as I can to help others struggling with the same journey. Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Thank you SO much, Drew! What a relief to “meet” someone who shares the same kind of religiously abusive background. My early years were very much like yours, with slight variation. I’m a pastor’s kid raised in a series of fundamentalist and evangelical denominations: Church of Christ Holiness, Church of God in Christ, Church of the Nazarene. Most of my childhood was swallowed up by the latter. My family attended church on Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. There were also extra church activities (teen groups, missionary meetings, Bible studies, quizzing practice, church board meetings, choir rehearsal, etc) on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. In essence, church was my life. On reflection this intense schedule was also my parents’ strategy to protect me from the secular and satanic influences that surrounded us. There were many things to be afraid of, ironically, despite being promised that “we win” in the end. Drew, I too experienced the terror of being indoctrinated to believe that I might be eternally damned to a fiery hell if, by chance, I should die in sin (thus the constant re-praying the sinner’s prayer just to make sure it “took” and was “up to date”). My other childhood terror was that the Rapture might occur and I’d be left behind because I might have sinned without having yet confessed and been forgiven prior to the Second Coming. OY! What a horrible way to grow up. Yes, I’ve also lived the Jesus Camp experience. Every summer from age 9-14. That came with more trauma than I care to share here in this open forum. I too participated in VBS every summer for my entire childhood. In adulthood I taught VBS and Sunday School. And, like you, I competed in Bible Quizzing annually.
Drew, again I thank you so much for sharing your story. Just KNOWING I’m not alone really helps. You know?
Lorna,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! It really helps to have people to talk to about shared experiences when working through coming out of fundamentalism. One of the things that this site hopes to do is help connect people who can benefit from each others experiences. If you feel comfortable and have the time we would love to hear more of your story if you haven’t already shared it on the “share your story” feature. You are definitely not alone! This is happening with more and more people and we can help each other out! It may be worth checking out http://recoveringfromreligion.org/ they organize support groups of people who have had similar experiences. It can really help to share with people who understand. Perhaps there is a group in your area. Thanks again for checking out the site. I hope you find our content helpful!
Hi,
I loved reading your story. Right now I am finally admitting to myself that I am an atheist. My story is quite different. I was not raised in the church. I grew up in an abusive family. I found Jesus when I was 18 and went off to college. Now I am 36. My story is long and difficult. Right now I feel so lonely and even have suicidal thoughts. I am single, not close to my family and now I have no friends because they are all fundamentalists, calvinists who are cold and cruel. They think I am going to hell. I endured some legalistic church abuse for two years. Then went back for more in a different church but now I am done. I don’t know where to start, how to make new friends. This is a very hard and lonely road but I can’t pretend to believe in god.
TJ,
I am so sorry to hear about those experiences which have been so hurtful to you. The really good news is that deciding that you are done with being treated that way is just the beginning. Its hard at first but you are not alone! There are many, many out there who are going through the same thing. I would highly recommend checking out http://recoveringfromreligion.org/ They organize support groups made up of people who share similar experiences. It really helps to have the support of people who care and understand. Perhaps someone has organized such a group in your area. I would also really recommend the book Leaving the Fold by Dr. Marlene Winell. I hope you all the best, please be encouraged that it is possible to find meaningful relationships with people which are not based on guilt and fear. There are many out there who share similar experiences and care.
Drew, thank you so much for your story and for the site. I have often felt alienated even though most of my friends now identify as humanist/compassionate agnostic, I still sometimes find it difficult to feel “understood” in a way only another person who was raised could understand/comprehend. How do you manage your family relationships and still be open about your beliefs? I still struggle with truly claiming my beliefs for fear of hurting my parents. How have you handled that?
Thanks, eMily
There is no easy answer to that question. It is really a tough decision and whatever decision you think would be best for your life is probably the right one. I chose to come out about it. My parents and other members of my family felt very hurt. It was not my intention to hurt them at all, but this was unavoidable. I will not say that it is without difficulty, but focusing on common beliefs and interests really helps. There is common ground to be found if your family is willing to meet you there. If they are not, and you value having a good relationship with them more than the conflict that may arise, perhaps it is best to avoid the issue. Its a tough call, and only you can determine what is best for your life on such an issue. I will say that, while it is difficult at times, and has created some tensions, in general it has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I have found that the benefit and freedom that goes with just being open and honest about what I believe and think and the ability to discuss these issues openly has far outweighed the costs. That may not be the case for everybody. I am planning on writing more about this issue and possibly doing a video on the subject. I hope this is helpful.
I appreciate what all of you are sharing. I might be a little older than most of you, but I also went through what felt like an escape from Christian fundamentalism. After lots of different pathways, I actually belong to a Christian church, the very progressive Congregational Church, part of the UCC. I also like neo-paganism, some aspects of Buddhism, and Taoism. I like belonging to a church that accepts all of me and all my spiritual journeying. Now here’s my problem and I would love some help: my two adult children have become, guess what, fundamentalist Christians! It has been really hard. I wanted them to be happy and find their own spiritual paths–but I don’t like what they chose. If I am not careful, I almost let it feel like they betrayed me, my struggle to get free, and my efforts to raise them in a moderate, intelligent, open-minded home. My oldest just married a life-long born again. They are both great kids but I feel like there is so much of myself I have to keep quiet, not share about. Astrology, wiccan holidays, my love for the four directions/elements, my church’s open welcome to gay people. It makes conversation hard–both my kids talk about their religion constantly. Since I am trying to be the open-minded and tolerant one, I don’t want to argue with them. But I feel really cut off sometimes. Any ideas on how to be closer to them again or is this just the way it is?
Claire,
Wow, I feel for you there. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any experience with this one but, in my experience it is best to seek common ground and shared values and interests with family members who are put-off by my beliefs. You can only be the best person and parent you can. The rest is up to them. I do however think it is important to kindly express your boundaries on things that make you feel uncomfortable or excluded. Religion should not be permitted as an excuse for exclusion and intolerance. I don’t know what would be best to do here, but keeping the dialogue positive is rarely a bad choice! I hope this helps. I’m sorry I don’t have much to offer on the subject!
Thank you. These are such good thoughts. I especially appreciate the remainder that I get to set some boundaries at times. In the months since I posted that, I have come a long way myself. I’ve realized my kids’ faith is NOT the same faith I grew up with, even if some of the language is the same (and makes me shiver). They are a lot more into love and a lot less into judgement. We are finding common ground.
Thanks for being willing to share your story in such a public way. I can certainly relate to your experiences. I was raised as a Christian fundamentalist, but am now at a Lutheran seminary (E.L.C.A.) so I can become a pastor. Part of the process is getting a psych evaluation. The counselor told me that if there was such a thing as a support group for ex-fundamentalists I should go. Like you I have now discovered reason and had to relearn science (especially concerning evolution) and ethics. As a partnered gay man who will soon be ordained, I look forward to utilizing as many tools as possible to help people to recover from fundamentalist beliefs whether Christian, Muslim, or any other. This site will be helpful! PS: It is weird you mentioned Worthington, Ohio since I live in Columbus. What are the odds, lol.
You know, I am a pretty well recovered fundamentalist at this point in my life and a psychologist. I have often thought of running such a group but not sure how to promote it. What I will not do is run a hate group. It has to be about truth and love and looking for health and growth. Suggestions welcome!
Blessings to you, Brother!